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Sunday, October 02, 2005

Political bug

We're having an election here in the 48th district, and no less than 17 candidates have qualified to run for a position on the US House of Reps. This is a special election necessitated by Bush's appointment of our previous congressperson, Cox, to a much more important job. Anyway, you know how those campaign signs proliferate.

The wild abandon and abundance of signs competing for space among the shrubbery reminded me of this group of recently hatched stink bugs vying for space on a spent dusty miller blossom.

Aside from this superficial resemblance, I have to wonder, "Are politicians like bugs in any meaningful ways?" We all know that not all of the stink bugs will survive, due to being out competed by stronger siblings, bad positioning on the plant substrate, quirks of genetic expression, and perhaps bad luck. At first the stink bugs all seem the same, just like the long list of names on my sample ballot. As time passes, in the case of the stink bugs just four days, differences like rate of growth and coloration begin to show among the individual bugs.

Among the politicians, you do begin to sense a whiff of differences, such as how much money they have raised. I took to the internet to see what else, if anything, sets any of these candidates apart from his or her 16 siblings. In a nutshell, here's what I found out:

Bea (yea bea#1) Foster: Neon orange signs say "End Iraq War Now"; is suing Jim Gilchrist for misrepresenting his profession to the elections board.
John Kelly: Proudly states he was jailed for a couple of hours for unlawful assembly at an abortion clinic; hey that looks like Mohammed Ali shopping in John's men's shop!
Jim Gilchrist: Features not 1, not 2, but 3 photos of Alan Keyes; and 3 photos of disembodied hands writing stuff, a la Bush; nice shot of a pistol strapped to the waist of one of his vigilantes.
Bruce Cohen: I'm a longtime firearms enthusiast; and safety advocate!!
John Graham: "Stop the Bleeding"
Steve Young: My ex-wife concurs I am not a dead-beat dad.
Marilyn Brewer: "I'm not your father's Republican!" (not an actual quote); I really like Ronald Reagan; endorsed by John McCain, and hey, my family surfs.
Guy E. Mailly: Quotes Ronald Reagan; he's "the Only Guy Running"; looks like my brother-in-law.
Marshall Samuel Sanders: website devoid of any information except dead link to "click and pledge".
Scott Maccabe: mystery man with 3 addresses.
Marsha A. Morris: Remove Thimerosal from Vaccines and Flu Shots!!!
Don Udall: He's a doctor but the "thinking man's candidate" has dropped out of the race; related to those other Udalls.
David R. Crouch: Common "Cents" Conservative; and he's a dentist!!
Edward A. Suppe: He's a Coast Guard veteran who seems very nice.
Bea (yea bea #2!!) Tiritilli: Nice green website; I like green.
John Campbell: Marilyn Brewer is a big fat liar; everyone but McCain endorses; bad poetry buried in the section tabbed 'writings'; lots of white guys in red ties who stand 100% behind the president.
Tom Pallow: Discover Qualityism!!

In many ways all of these bugs seem alike. They each have led exemplary lives of service to the community, have great families, and hold a sincere belief that their beliefs will serve their future constituents best. Each stink bug strives to create the best stink bug out of the plant juice he consumes, so he or she can propagate more stink bugs in his or her genetic mold, thereby of course making the stink bug community better in the only way he can.

The best I can hope is for the candidates to pick up their signs when the election's over. As for the stink bugs, I'm OK with them the way they are.

Breaking news: There are also two write-in candidates running!!!
Steve Wesley Blake: If you support my campaign financially I guranttee (sic) you 110,00% tenfold; very lengthy bio which I admit I did not read.
Delecia Holt: Author of 'Chocolate Covered Bananas', and 'Los Angeles Riots-A Collective Behavioral Approach'; which I also have not yet read.

Don't neglect to think, don't neglect to vote, citizens of the 48th District of CA.

1 comment:

R2K said...

Im going to petition to have this page placed on top of the list again.